Pands.

It is bitter-sweet. Even more so than the day I came to Colombia. Two lives that were intertwined together for many years are now, most likely to be forever separated. Separated not because of our own doing, but rather the Lord's direction in our steps. A best friend is one that can never be severed from your heart...but the idea of never being able to live life again with her, to season through life together with her, causes my heart to ache and wish for it to become as it once was.

But alas...I have to let go. I thought I had. I thought me moving away and being independent was a sign of just that. But tonight with the great news of the journey that lies ahead of her, I can't help but think what I just might be forever losing. My closest friend.

Maybe all is not lost. Maybe I'm a bit sentimental. Maybe, I'm just selfish in my extreme loneliness to have a friend alongside of me for the remainder of my time on earth. What ever it is...sadness still rises up in me, accompanied with great gratitude for vision and direction in her life.

So it is bitter-sweet.

Today.

I want to crawl into his arms tonight and feel the safety of his breath on my neck, and his guarding embrace. Something real. Something I can feel. The one that God has chosen me to live the rest of my life with. I dare not utter the truth of my heart, for fear of my own dissatisfaction with my own lot. I want to be married.

I want to be married for a plethora of reasons. But tonight's reason is found in the events of today. Today, a raging fire was started in the building behind (literally their wall touches our wall) my office. Nothing intentional. It was a wax factory, and they believe that a cable caught fire, and because they use diesel in the wax, it began a blazing inferno and caused a small explosion.

I was in my office when it happened...completely oblivious. The others who were with me walked out. I could hear commotion outside, but nothing way out of the ordinary. But the sounds of the people grew. I assumed that we must have invited all the boys to our house for some reason...so I walked out to see what party was going on out there. I, naively, asked what was going on. They said turn around...I did, and as I turned, the heat grazed my face. What I saw was flames engulfed in smoke. The mixture looked like a chemical fire. They flames were gigantic, and I don't recall being able to see the sky. And the flames appeared to be coming from the building I was just in. But they couldn't have been...I was just there! Then came the all the emergency evacuation procedures...and my mind was left to wonder.

They weren't coming from there, but from behind there. The building I was in was the only one of our 5 buildings in the surrounding blocks to be damaged. Well, destroyed is probably a better word. I haven't seen it live, but the pictures showed much more damage than I imagined. We lost a bit...but not a lot. All of our 100 children were safe. All of the houses for the children were for the most part untouched. I saw the protection of the Lord in it's fullness. The explosion (from the diesel) happened very near to where I was...I was unscathed.

Bless the Lord for his protection.

I want to put out there a couple of things so you understand the ground rules of what I'm about to express.

1. I have drawn near to Him and He has drawn near to me. A husband is not a replacement of Christ and his workings, only an extension. One of the many things that are a tangible representation of Christ.

2. I'm not discontent with my season in life. I wouldn't change being a missionary in Colombia and giving up my dream of being married to an American and soon...for the world. You can gain the world, but lose your soul.

3. I'm not desperate, or actively looking for my future husband to fill a need that I have. I have needs...but they are being fulfilled through the love of God, especially in this season (If you want to know about my season, ask.)

What I'm about to express, is a want. A desire. A currently unfulfilled desire. AND THAT'S OK.

I'm scared. Not outwardly, but inwardly I'm shaking from the events of today. I want to have a husband to stand by me and help me stand when I want to faint. To bring out the tears that I can't express because I have to put on a strong face. To be able to put my guard down with, because he is ok with me being weak, seeing it as an opportunity to strengthen me by washing me in the word. To hold my hand, because he knows his touch will comfort.

I am far from the belief that marriage is only so I can be satisfied. Everything I have mentioned above is only for my benefit. Marriage is two-sided...and I would want to do the same thing for him when he was afraid. But tonight I'm afraid.

So tonight...I'm wishing for him. But as my dad says..."if wishes and buts were candies and nuts, it would be Christmas everyday." Don't really know what it means but sounds good, huh?

Hope.

Where destiny meets reality. Where reality is sparked and hope becomes real.

The Lord God is real! We all know that, right? Yeah, I know it. I have experienced him, I have felt him. But some days, even though I can feel the Lord, I'm not experiencing how he is actively involved in my life. I just go day to day, in intimacy with the Lord, but not considering his overall activity in where my foot treads, what my eyes see, what my ears hear, and what my mouth says.

But, he is involved. More than ever, and I'm just beginning to realize it, but the full picture is blurred. I'm quick to put hope in an image that is blurred. I look at the blurred snapshot of my life, and I begin to analyze what I see, what I feel. I try to make out the figures, the faces, the places. My examination and differentiation draw a new picture. One that I made up. One that doesn't actually mirror the intricate blurred photo. In my drawing I have about 1% correct of the actual...but I respond as if it 100 percent. And then my hope is deferred to my own drawing, forgetting the photo all together and I make my drawing the hope in my life, what I want out of life. 99% of the time, when the photo is made more clear, my heart is sick. "Hope deferred, makes the heart sick." Sick over my misinterpretation and reliance on it, and sick over what I have lost that I had begun to love and had become a part of me.

I had a great conversation with my best friend on just this subject last night. She said, "Sarah, you can put you hope in the fact that the Lord is moving and is faithful in your life, and even in what you can't see, but you can't put your hope in the flesh, what you think you see. You have done that before, and you have already found out that it doesn't work." This is slightly paraphrased...but definitely the heart of what she was saying. It sank in. I got it. I don't want to repeat the failings of my past. I want to put on foot in front of the other, not take steps back.

I am in a season that I am potentially, just maybe, seeing my destiny meeting with my reality...and that is fun and exciting. But the photo of my destiny is still incredibly blurry. There can be no hope in my drawing, but there can be outstanding hope, in HIS photo.