Fear

Fear inhibits my ability to hear the spirit of the Lord speak to me.

I have found myself in an atmosphere of trepidation recently. It is almost constant. I'm incredibly aware of all my surroundings. I look at people and judge their intentions, I look around my flat sometimes to make sure that I'm the only one in it, and on nights when I'm alone I momentarily ponder my own safety in falling asleep.

Recently, I woke up in the middle of the night after having a scary dream. I woke up terrified and couldn't really grasp onto reality for the next hour. Fear engulfed me. I couldn't think rationally. I wanted someone I could wake up, and ask them to help me. But there was no one.

I have heard stories here of men and women being woken up in the middle of the night by the spirit of God to protect this house hold. When I woke up, that is where my mind went to. "Ought I get up and begin to protect?" But even if I wanted to, I would have been unable.

There are elements that have contributed to my fear...a scary movie I watched, multiple murders (targeting women) in my neighborhood in a matter of a couple weeks, stories of murders, stories of horrendous acts being committed. They have all contributed to my lack of security in my life.

What's more, there was a much gunfire that was being heard in my neighborhood as I drove home the other night. I was warned to be very careful. As I was driving, I realized that I don't want to die yet. Not because I haven't filled my earthly calling, I mean in the Christian world's eye, I'm a hero of the faith, being a missionary and all. But as I took a look at my spirit, I was clearly reminded that I'm not living up to my daily calling...dying to myself.

See, I have this fear of dying, the actual death part of it, not being with Jesus. But I think a new fear, a holy fear is being created in my life. It's not a fear of dying. It is a fear of dying with out already being dead, having not lived with eternal accountability.

Those who want to save their lives...must lose it.

My Life: Dependent on Grace

Wouldn't you think that the moment you became a missionary, that you would automatically become a saint? Heck, I thought so. Maybe it's not a missionary, maybe it is just stepping into your calling. The moment you obey that one big thing God has told you to do, you become Mother Theresa.

Well...let's be real here. That is a LIE. A big, fat, hairy lie. I'm am not a saint. I am not a hero of the faith. I am sinner. A wretched awful HUMAN FLESH, with daily fleshly desires, and an array of temptations that try to divert my head to the wide path. And, my brothers, sometimes I do tip-toe my way to the wide path.

I have had to fight harder as a missionary, than as an intern. The good fight of faith. Pressing on towards the end goal...WITHOUT giving up. Some days, I do want to give up. I do want to ring the bell, I do want to be selfish.

This morning I was planning on taking a vacation day, as I had work 2 weeks straight. I slept in. I watched Boy Meets World, and I went back to sleep, only to be awoken with a phone call to come into "serve." Oh man, did I have a choice...I could either choose to "serve", or choose to "work". Bless the Lord, he gave his grace to serve, with a joyful heart.

But these types of things happen to me all the time, physically, emotionally, and spiritually...

This is what separates the life lived for self and the spirit: CHOOSING GRACE.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me...

The sweet melody of grace plays in my ear as the theme song of my life. A song so sweet...that even Owl City can't compare. :)

Grace. So undeserved, so humbling. I'm a wretch...saved by grace. And it is only by moment to moment dependence on it, that I can not be wretched. The struggles still remain...but in that, His GRACE abounds more and more.

Of his grace, we can't find an end...but we can find in end to is our carnality, in fact, that is our calling as Christians. DEATH. It is his grace, that enables us to put to death the misdeeds of the body.

I sin...thus I need to be even more dependent on his grace. I don't have it all together...thus I must become fully dependent on his grace. The attitude of my heart is wrong...thus I crave the grace of God to change my heart.

Fully. Am I fully dependent?