I have found myself in an atmosphere of trepidation recently. It is almost constant. I'm incredibly aware of all my surroundings. I look at people and judge their intentions, I look around my flat sometimes to make sure that I'm the only one in it, and on nights when I'm alone I momentarily ponder my own safety in falling asleep.
Recently, I woke up in the middle of the night after having a scary dream. I woke up terrified and couldn't really grasp onto reality for the next hour. Fear engulfed me. I couldn't think rationally. I wanted someone I could wake up, and ask them to help me. But there was no one.
I have heard stories here of men and women being woken up in the middle of the night by the spirit of God to protect this house hold. When I woke up, that is where my mind went to. "Ought I get up and begin to protect?" But even if I wanted to, I would have been unable.
There are elements that have contributed to my fear...a scary movie I watched, multiple murders (targeting women) in my neighborhood in a matter of a couple weeks, stories of murders, stories of horrendous acts being committed. They have all contributed to my lack of security in my life.
What's more, there was a much gunfire that was being heard in my neighborhood as I drove home the other night. I was warned to be very careful. As I was driving, I realized that I don't want to die yet. Not because I haven't filled my earthly calling, I mean in the Christian world's eye, I'm a hero of the faith, being a missionary and all. But as I took a look at my spirit, I was clearly reminded that I'm not living up to my daily calling...dying to myself.
See, I have this fear of dying, the actual death part of it, not being with Jesus. But I think a new fear, a holy fear is being created in my life. It's not a fear of dying. It is a fear of dying with out already being dead, having not lived with eternal accountability.
Those who want to save their lives...must lose it.
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