Today.

I want to crawl into his arms tonight and feel the safety of his breath on my neck, and his guarding embrace. Something real. Something I can feel. The one that God has chosen me to live the rest of my life with. I dare not utter the truth of my heart, for fear of my own dissatisfaction with my own lot. I want to be married.

I want to be married for a plethora of reasons. But tonight's reason is found in the events of today. Today, a raging fire was started in the building behind (literally their wall touches our wall) my office. Nothing intentional. It was a wax factory, and they believe that a cable caught fire, and because they use diesel in the wax, it began a blazing inferno and caused a small explosion.

I was in my office when it happened...completely oblivious. The others who were with me walked out. I could hear commotion outside, but nothing way out of the ordinary. But the sounds of the people grew. I assumed that we must have invited all the boys to our house for some reason...so I walked out to see what party was going on out there. I, naively, asked what was going on. They said turn around...I did, and as I turned, the heat grazed my face. What I saw was flames engulfed in smoke. The mixture looked like a chemical fire. They flames were gigantic, and I don't recall being able to see the sky. And the flames appeared to be coming from the building I was just in. But they couldn't have been...I was just there! Then came the all the emergency evacuation procedures...and my mind was left to wonder.

They weren't coming from there, but from behind there. The building I was in was the only one of our 5 buildings in the surrounding blocks to be damaged. Well, destroyed is probably a better word. I haven't seen it live, but the pictures showed much more damage than I imagined. We lost a bit...but not a lot. All of our 100 children were safe. All of the houses for the children were for the most part untouched. I saw the protection of the Lord in it's fullness. The explosion (from the diesel) happened very near to where I was...I was unscathed.

Bless the Lord for his protection.

I want to put out there a couple of things so you understand the ground rules of what I'm about to express.

1. I have drawn near to Him and He has drawn near to me. A husband is not a replacement of Christ and his workings, only an extension. One of the many things that are a tangible representation of Christ.

2. I'm not discontent with my season in life. I wouldn't change being a missionary in Colombia and giving up my dream of being married to an American and soon...for the world. You can gain the world, but lose your soul.

3. I'm not desperate, or actively looking for my future husband to fill a need that I have. I have needs...but they are being fulfilled through the love of God, especially in this season (If you want to know about my season, ask.)

What I'm about to express, is a want. A desire. A currently unfulfilled desire. AND THAT'S OK.

I'm scared. Not outwardly, but inwardly I'm shaking from the events of today. I want to have a husband to stand by me and help me stand when I want to faint. To bring out the tears that I can't express because I have to put on a strong face. To be able to put my guard down with, because he is ok with me being weak, seeing it as an opportunity to strengthen me by washing me in the word. To hold my hand, because he knows his touch will comfort.

I am far from the belief that marriage is only so I can be satisfied. Everything I have mentioned above is only for my benefit. Marriage is two-sided...and I would want to do the same thing for him when he was afraid. But tonight I'm afraid.

So tonight...I'm wishing for him. But as my dad says..."if wishes and buts were candies and nuts, it would be Christmas everyday." Don't really know what it means but sounds good, huh?